"keep away from the freaks on the fringe"

I was taking a leisure scroll through Instagram (as I tend to do when I'm pretending to work on very important law school applications due in the very near future) and I came across an interesting shot from my dear friend Emily Osment.

Perhaps you know her as Lily (the best friend) from Hannah Montana. Well color me excited when I found out that she was going to be coming out with a new show soon. Cleaners. And she plays a hit woman. That's a nice change from Disney Channel darling. 

Of course, you should know I have a very strong love when it comes to my Disney friends, so you know I had to investigate this show. I was surprised to learn that the show was already out and was a quite a few episodes into the storyline. About to start season two, in fact. I guess I'm not doing such a good job of keeping tabs on my Disney friends.  Nevertheless, I watched the first episode without knowing anything about the show. Nothing.

Oh come on, you know I loved it. Honestly, it wasn't bad. It was very Quentin Tarantino in terms of style. And I love a good Tarantino film. Basically the show is about two highly trained female contract killers, one of them being Emily. Of course it was a far cry from Disney, but still managed to not be another of those "Oh great, she's trying to shake her 'Disney' image" shows. I applaud her, and I look forward to watching another episode soon. Perhaps after I finish up with these very important law school applications due in the very near future…...

"i'll say a thousand words or more"

Happy New Year! I hope everyone had a wonderful transition into the new year. I certainly did. Nothing too special, I went to the crossover service at my church, then went to a friend's house for some dancing. It wasn't exactly a grand rocking new year's eve, but I enjoyed myself.

Of course it's a new year and its pretty much obligatory for everyone to come up with some "new year new me" goal and such. So who am I to deny myself such a tradition? I do, however, have a track record of failing at every and all new year resolutions I make, so, I will make this as easy on myself as possible. This year I only have one resolution:

I will write at least one blog post a month.

There! Simple, easy, direct. Nothing too difficult about that, right? I think I should be able to manage that. I just really want to get back into blogging regularly this year. I love having a record of my experiences and how I felt about them. I don't want an entire year to go by and I have no idea what I even did. This blog is pretty much a roadmap of my life. It showcases everything I've done (or at least the important parts that I feel like sharing) and reminds me what more I have to look forward to.

So that's my plan. Be a better writer. Be a more consistent writer. Be a true blogger. Wish me luck!

Happy New Year everyone!

"when you learn to love, ain't nothing but love"

There's a new guy in my life. And I feel like I'm screwed.

(For those who care, I ended up never meeting the last guy. Who saw that coming? Me.)

So new guy, I'll need to come up with a name for him. In the meantime New Guy will work. We met in church. He tricked me into a date. I say "tricked" even though I walked right into it knowing it probably was a set up. I was invited to a group movie night. Then one by one everyone started dropping out. I found out later that he asked everyone else not to come. I mean, if he went to all that trouble, the least I could do was show up right? Right! And so I went. We watched a movie, had dinner. The typical date, right? We've been hanging out pretty regularly since then. That was about a month ago.

So, why am I screwed? Well I guess apparently it's reached that point where he wants me to open up to him and tell him what I'm thinking, and blah blah blah. For me, this is usually where the relationship ends because, well, I just can't do that. Of course I told him as much and of course he says, "Well you're going to have to open up to someone eventually." And well maybe that is true, but who says it has to be???

Fine, this could just be me being stubborn, but honestly, I don't know what you want me to say. Anyway, this is my big dilemma and I'm sure at some point I'll figure it out. But it would really help if I could find a guy who could just learn me enough to read my mind. Is that too much to ask for? No really, is it?

"i guess it's half timing, and the other half's luck"

In a huff of disappointment, I deleted (made invisible) my online dating accounts. It was probably for the best. At least for now.

But I guess I forgot I had already given my number to one guy before I deleted my account. We've been talking, texting, skyping, general "get to know you" stuff for a wh
ile now. So far it's been lovely, I actually kinda like this guy. So what's the problem?

It's been over 2 months now and we still haven't met in person. Our work schedules seem to clash with one another. I work 9:00 to 6:00pm. He works 3:00 to 11:00pm. I have no intention of meeting this guy for the first time after midnight on any given day, so that's not an option. I'm not trying to be lured to my death! Yes, I am highly paranoid about such things. You never know who these online types really are. We both work weekends and have unpredictable days off. It's been quite the challenge trying to maneuver around these obstacles. But I figure if we really want to meet, we'll make it happen, right?

But if it's this hard to meet in the first place, won't it only be harder if we actually start dating? When would we have time to see each other? I'm working toward getting a morning off so we can have breakfast or an early lunch together. Then after the initial meeting, perhaps I'll feel a lot more comfortable meeting him after dark on any given day. If so, then I guess our relationship could be just fine. Am I getting ahead of myself? Maybe... yeah, let's just work on meeting first.

I guess this is one situation where you just see how it unfolds. I do so hope it works out, I would love to  actually see him and make sure we have chemistry in person as we do through the screen. It's very important you know.

"this is the start of something good, don't you agree?"

Dating has got to be the most ridiculous experience in life. Maybe ridiculous is the wrong word... irritating, perhaps. Yes, dating has got to be one of the most irritating experiences in life. Having dinner,  going to the movies, taking a walk in the park, etc with an almost, for all intents and purposes, complete stranger? Ugh, I'm so tired of it. And yet, I still do it...

Truthfully, I don't even know how to be a girlfriend. Not the slightest clue. And I already come with some serious defects to the relationship. Hate talking on the phone, love being a homebody. I'm quiet until you really get to know me. OR you have to meet in a group of friends because then I'm automatically comfortable.  

But right, this is about me not knowing how to be girlfriend. Yes, I guess I just missed that class in high school (or is it offered in middle school now?) where everyone learned how to be boyfriend/girlfriend and live a happy normal life. Yeah, I must have missed it. I was among the few kids who were "not allowed to date, until you're married!" Yes, I understand the irony. Nobody thought that rule out, I can assure you.

So I never really had a boyfriend until I got to college. My first (real) relationship wasn't exactly a failure, but I certainly wouldn't call it a success. Turns out my biggest issue is communication! Huh, who'd a thunk it??? Me, have communication issues? NEVER! But alas, it IS true. I'm actually a horrible communicator... at least in the real world.

Online you have time to think it out and make sure everything you say (write) comes out exactly the way you wish it. But in real life, saying certain things, talking about certain things just isn't quite as easy for me. My sisters always harass me about not being able to open up and say what I'm thinking. "Why do I always have to drag it out of you?" Or, "Why do you make me ask you so many questions? Just say what you want to say!" I guess I'm just not one to talk about myself.

Don't get me wrong. I can hold a conversation and talk about anything with anyone. And I love myself so obviously I have no qualms talking about myself. I just tend to shy away from talking about myself on a more personal level. My family, my work, my friends, easy subjects. My feelings, not so much.

Which brings me back to my relationships. Apparently, you need to be able to talk about yourself on a personal level with your boyfriend. And he actually might care if he realizes he doesn't know anything about how you feel. So how do I work on growing in that area? Dive into another relationship and get some practice? Talk to my sisters a little more, see if that works out? Have emotional, drawn out, thoughtful conversations with myself in the bathroom mirror? I don't know. I need help.

In the meantime, I'm still dating.