Sunday, December 21, 2008


I've been reading a lot of different styles of poetry lately and I love the way poets use language. It was my love for language that made want to major in business and get into advertisement. Now that I have all the time in the world (because let's face it, I have no life) I find myself doing a shitload of thinking and self reflection, contemplation, call it what you must. But I've just been thinking about language and this blog and how much I want to put into it but can't because I can't find the words, or the right words to express it.

Being able to manipulate language and use it to persuade, or convince or explain anything is a powerful tool. Language is something people underestimate all the time. But people are brainwashed by the power of words everyday. People are emotionally bound by their promises. We get in fights over "he said, she said" all the time. Imagine the simple phrase "I love you," and all the drama it can start (or end). It's the words and what they convey to people. It's the language and the way we use it that makes its so powerful.

It's the reason I love it so much. That I would spend hours studying it and reading other people's words. It's the reason why language means so much to me and why a simple song or poem can make me cry. I get struck by the beauty in language everyday.

I've chosen my passion, and I want to be able to manipulate language in that same way. I want to more imagery, more emotion; I want a clear vision of what I am to come across in my words. I want a story, as vague and as detailed as it needs to be to define me. I want me and myself to be in those words and to come out with every word that you read. I want to be able to evoke every emotion. I want to show you what it's like inside a crazy.

Friday, December 5, 2008

fight for me

I want you to fight for me.
Don’t give up on me just because it’s hard to get through the first layer.
These layers were built to protect what’s inside,
To protect from emotions held too hard.
Year after year I’ve built layer upon layer,
Upon layer upon layer
Of caution, suspicion, and doubt.
There’s not a person on earth that I trust with my feelings.
But I want to trust you.
I want you to care enough to fight me back.
Fight to know what I really think.
Fight to know how I really feel.
Fight to know me,
The real me and everything underneath.
I want someone real.
Someone who doesn’t mind getting a little dirty,
Who doesn’t mind if I get mad and yell.
I want you to yell back
Don’t hold back.
I’m not fragile, I’m not even sheltered.
I just need a little reassurance.
Reassurance that you care,
That you won’t be bothered by digging a little deeper.
I want you to find me fascinating.
Charming, alluring, mesmerizing.
A mystery you want to solve.
A conundrum, a riddle, an amazing little puzzle.
But don’t get bored.
Oh please don’t be bored.
It’s a delicate balance, I know.
I’m sorry it’s so hard.
But I’m willing to change, if you’re willing to push.

Friday, August 8, 2008

yea, that's delicious

I’ve always wanted to be delicious.
To feel delicious.
Someone highly pleasing to the senses.
Yea, that’s delicious

It even sounds like a delicious word
Every time I think of it, I want to eat it
To crunch on it and feel its juices slide down my chin
Yea, that’s delicious

Have you ever met a delicious person?
Someone you just had to be around?
Who made your entire life sweet?
Who made every day just seem better?

Well I haven’t.
But I’d love to be that person for someone else

Imagine being delicious…
Imagine the glory and fabulousness of knowing you just sweetened someone’s day…
Imagine that feeling…
Yea, that’s delicious

But there are other kinds of feeling delicious too
Just feeling good about yourself
Being self content in all things you
Looking in the mirror and loving everything you see
And everything you don’t see
Believing in yourself
Yea, that’s delicious

Have you ever met a delicious person?
Someone who always seemed happy?
Who never let anything get to them because they were just too fabulous to care?
Who never allowed someone else to justify their existence?

Well I have.
And damn, I’m jealous!
But I’d love to be that person for myself

And I plan on being delicious
Highly pleasing to the senses
Yea, that’s delicious

Saturday, August 2, 2008

for a split second, imma open up

I thought maybe today I'd give you guys a glimpse into my mind. 

I write a lot of poetry. In my junior year of high school, I took a creative writing class. The teacher was one of the best teachers I've ever had as a student. I loved that class, and ever since then I've done a lot of writing: poetry, short stories, diary entries and such. Writing is one way I've been able to say what I'm too afraid to say out loud. The thoughts that I wouldn't dare let out because of a fear of criticism...or just a fear that I would see myself and not like who I was. So I write it out and I never have to live out those things. Writing it and putting it away, that's how I deal with most of the really personal things in my life. I guess that could be a reason why no one really knows who I truly am; I don't let them. Because I can't let them. 

After years of holding everything in, with the exception of writing of course, I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised that no one knows that part of me. So I guess maybe it’s time I learn to change that. I mean if I’m going to complain about it, then I might as well do something about it too…baby steps….

So here’s a poem I wrote a while ago while I was in a semi relationship. I say semi relationship because it wasn’t really a real relationship. We had already dated and broke up and we were just kinda hangin out to see if maybe we wanted to get back together. I think I was holding on to a memory of something I really liked, but could never get back. And once I realized it, I let go.

I’ll be there you say
So I wait
I keep waiting and I’m still waiting
But how long until I let go?
How long is too long?
How long till it just becomes sad?
I think I’ve hit that point
All I am now is sad
Maybe that’s what I’ve needed all along
Perhaps if I disappear,
My reappearance will be all that more special
Maybe if I’m gone,
You’ll need me, maybe you’ll miss me
Or maybe you won’t notice,
Maybe you’ve already moved on
So far on that I can’t even catch up.
Yeah, I think that’s it

I’m laughing now as I read this over because I feel mostly foolish for the little mistakes I made in that part of my life. I spent so much time trying to become someone else for someone else, when I should have just been me the whole time. If I can’t even be myself in a relationship then obviously I shouldn’t be in that relationship. Thinking back to that time makes my stomach turn. It’s embarrassing being in that place. Wanting so badly to become the person you want me to be…losing myself in the process…so I disappeared. And would you know it, he noticed…too little too late…
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