Tuesday, October 8, 2013

"when you learn to love, ain't nothing but love"

There's a new guy in my life. And I feel like I'm screwed.

(For those who care, I ended up never meeting the last guy. Who saw that coming? Me.)

So new guy, I'll need to come up with a name for him. In the meantime New Guy will work. We met in church. He tricked me into a date. I say "tricked" even though I walked right into it knowing it probably was a set up. I was invited to a group movie night. Then one by one everyone started dropping out. I found out later that he asked everyone else not to come. I mean, if he went to all that trouble, the least I could do was show up right? Right! And so I went. We watched a movie, had dinner. The typical date, right? We've been hanging out pretty regularly since then. That was about a month ago.

So, why am I screwed? Well I guess apparently it's reached that point where he wants me to open up to him and tell him what I'm thinking, and blah blah blah. For me, this is usually where the relationship ends because, well, I just can't do that. Of course I told him as much and of course he says, "Well you're going to have to open up to someone eventually." And well maybe that is true, but who says it has to be???

Fine, this could just be me being stubborn, but honestly, I don't know what you want me to say. Anyway, this is my big dilemma and I'm sure at some point I'll figure it out. But it would really help if I could find a guy who could just learn me enough to read my mind. Is that too much to ask for? No really, is it?

Sunday, August 18, 2013

"i guess it's half timing, and the other half's luck"

In a huff of disappointment, I deleted (made invisible) my online dating accounts. It was probably for the best. At least for now.

But I guess I forgot I had already given my number to one guy before I deleted my account. We've been talking, texting, skyping, general "get to know you" stuff for a wh
ile now. So far it's been lovely, I actually kinda like this guy. So what's the problem?

It's been over 2 months now and we still haven't met in person. Our work schedules seem to clash with one another. I work 9:00 to 6:00pm. He works 3:00 to 11:00pm. I have no intention of meeting this guy for the first time after midnight on any given day, so that's not an option. I'm not trying to be lured to my death! Yes, I am highly paranoid about such things. You never know who these online types really are. We both work weekends and have unpredictable days off. It's been quite the challenge trying to maneuver around these obstacles. But I figure if we really want to meet, we'll make it happen, right?

But if it's this hard to meet in the first place, won't it only be harder if we actually start dating? When would we have time to see each other? I'm working toward getting a morning off so we can have breakfast or an early lunch together. Then after the initial meeting, perhaps I'll feel a lot more comfortable meeting him after dark on any given day. If so, then I guess our relationship could be just fine. Am I getting ahead of myself? Maybe... yeah, let's just work on meeting first.

I guess this is one situation where you just see how it unfolds. I do so hope it works out, I would love to  actually see him and make sure we have chemistry in person as we do through the screen. It's very important you know.

Thursday, August 1, 2013

"this is the start of something good, don't you agree?"

Dating has got to be the most ridiculous experience in life. Maybe ridiculous is the wrong word... irritating, perhaps. Yes, dating has got to be one of the most irritating experiences in life. Having dinner,  going to the movies, taking a walk in the park, etc with an almost, for all intents and purposes, complete stranger? Ugh, I'm so tired of it. And yet, I still do it...

Truthfully, I don't even know how to be a girlfriend. Not the slightest clue. And I already come with some serious defects to the relationship. Hate talking on the phone, love being a homebody. I'm quiet until you really get to know me. OR you have to meet in a group of friends because then I'm automatically comfortable.  

But right, this is about me not knowing how to be girlfriend. Yes, I guess I just missed that class in high school (or is it offered in middle school now?) where everyone learned how to be boyfriend/girlfriend and live a happy normal life. Yeah, I must have missed it. I was among the few kids who were "not allowed to date, until you're married!" Yes, I understand the irony. Nobody thought that rule out, I can assure you.

So I never really had a boyfriend until I got to college. My first (real) relationship wasn't exactly a failure, but I certainly wouldn't call it a success. Turns out my biggest issue is communication! Huh, who'd a thunk it??? Me, have communication issues? NEVER! But alas, it IS true. I'm actually a horrible communicator... at least in the real world.

Online you have time to think it out and make sure everything you say (write) comes out exactly the way you wish it. But in real life, saying certain things, talking about certain things just isn't quite as easy for me. My sisters always harass me about not being able to open up and say what I'm thinking. "Why do I always have to drag it out of you?" Or, "Why do you make me ask you so many questions? Just say what you want to say!" I guess I'm just not one to talk about myself.

Don't get me wrong. I can hold a conversation and talk about anything with anyone. And I love myself so obviously I have no qualms talking about myself. I just tend to shy away from talking about myself on a more personal level. My family, my work, my friends, easy subjects. My feelings, not so much.

Which brings me back to my relationships. Apparently, you need to be able to talk about yourself on a personal level with your boyfriend. And he actually might care if he realizes he doesn't know anything about how you feel. So how do I work on growing in that area? Dive into another relationship and get some practice? Talk to my sisters a little more, see if that works out? Have emotional, drawn out, thoughtful conversations with myself in the bathroom mirror? I don't know. I need help.

In the meantime, I'm still dating.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

"all this time i've been waiting, oh i cannot grieve anymore"

Holy crap! I have failed MISERABLY as a blogger. I don't even think I'm allowed to call myself a blogger any more. It seems one post every couple months is the best I can do in life. I just don't understand why I can't seem to be consistent with this shit. I swear one day I'm going to get it together. Really, I will. I promise....

Monday, January 7, 2013

"we stole our new lives, thru blood and pain"

After the hustle and bustle of the holidays, my house has finally returned to its original setting: silence. For the last 3 weeks I've had the excitement of my 2 older sisters visiting from California, my 2 younger brothers returning from college, and my father in from Nigeria. It's been a full house. But alas, that time has now ended, and it's just my mother and I again. I guess I should get back to reality and depart from my vacation dream world. Ugh.

I'm going to work tomorrow. And for the first time in a really long time, I'm not dreading the morning. I'm looking forward to it. With my January Resolutions in "go mode," I've felt really productive these last couple of days. I think I can keep it up till the end of January.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

"find light in the beautiful sea, i choose to be happy"

Well hello there New Year!

Usually I am mighty excited about new years and I could go on and on about some fresh start and getting my life together and going after what I want and being a new person and all my goals and blah blah blah. But this year I've had an epiphany. Yes everyone, I have realized something very important and vital about new years: they lie.

A new year promises to be filled with unexplored adventures, undiscovered dreams and unrealized potential. But by February I can't even remember what my New Years Resolutions were. All that joyous expectation I had for the year eventually dies out about 4 weeks in and then what am I supposed to do with the other 48 weeks in the year?

So this year I've decided to do something different. I've made no new years resolutions, instead I made a January Resolution. I've simply crafted a list of things I would like to accomplish in January. By reducing my "year" down to a month, I can make sure every month of the year I am accomplishing my goals.

So without further ado, here are my January Resolutions:

January Resolutions
1. Pick and read one inspirational book
2. Work out every morning
3. Write a blog post twice a week
4. Apply to 4 jobs a week
5. Save up $1000 in a "rainy day" account

I figure that's simple enough to start out with, right?

On another note, unfortunately I did not get the job I applied to at my old high school. After a rigorous interviewing process, they chose someone else. So I guess I'll be living in good old Atlanta for a little bit longer... No worries, I can handle that. I know good things are coming soon for me.

But I hope everyone had a wonderful New Years partying, drinking, and bonding with family and friends. I sure did!
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