Wednesday, July 15, 2015

"i need another story, something to get off my chest"

Suit found out about my blog. I wasn’t necessarily hiding it from him, I just never mentioned it and expected to keep it that way. But by chance he needed to check his email on my computer and noticed I had an email address he’d never seen before. So of course, next came the questions: What is it for? Who do you give it to? Why were you hiding it? Why can’t I know about it? And on and on and on….

Now I’ve never lied to this man, and I’m not about to start now, so when he asked about “Sage” and who I’m talking to under that name, I told him about my blog. He wasn’t very pleased. I tried to explain what it is to me; to explain how it’s like an online diary. I told him I wasn’t hiding anything from him, that everything I write about is stories I’ve already told him first hand. I just add my own emotions and wishes, and comedy to it.

He still was quite unhappy with me.

I’ve been trying to wrap my head around why this bothered him so much, and why he couldn’t just accept that I have an online presence that he never knew about. And then I figured it out. It was because HE NEVER KNEW ABOUT IT. If I had told him I had a blog in which I write under a pseudonym, maybe he wouldn’t have been so bothered by it.

I told him I wasn’t going to show him the blog because I didn’t want him to read it. Not because I was hiding anything, but because I feel like I should have a private place (“private” because none of you know who I am) to share my thoughts and stories and laughter with myself. Keeping everything in my head is a good way for me to forget the fabulousness that is sometimes my life. And when I get older, I want to look back and remember exactly how I felt at whatever moment.

He doesn’t care that I have a blog, I don’t think he even cares what I write about, he’s just mad because he didn’t know about it. And I can understand that. I didn’t tell him about it because I didn’t want him to read it. Now I know he would have been fine not reading it, as long as he knew it existed.

So, now that he knows about it, I’m contemplating if I should show him the blog. Just a gesture of faith so he knows I really have a blog and not some online dating profile. This is me tryin to be nice. I’m not embarrassed by what I’ve written, nor have I written anything negative about him. And if I did, then he could have a moment to see how I see him, so that would really be a bonus to him. Decisions, decisions...

Let’s see how I feel tomorrow.
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