Saturday, August 2, 2008

for a split second, imma open up

I thought maybe today I'd give you guys a glimpse into my mind. 

I write a lot of poetry. In my junior year of high school, I took a creative writing class. The teacher was one of the best teachers I've ever had as a student. I loved that class, and ever since then I've done a lot of writing: poetry, short stories, diary entries and such. Writing is one way I've been able to say what I'm too afraid to say out loud. The thoughts that I wouldn't dare let out because of a fear of criticism...or just a fear that I would see myself and not like who I was. So I write it out and I never have to live out those things. Writing it and putting it away, that's how I deal with most of the really personal things in my life. I guess that could be a reason why no one really knows who I truly am; I don't let them. Because I can't let them. 

After years of holding everything in, with the exception of writing of course, I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised that no one knows that part of me. So I guess maybe it’s time I learn to change that. I mean if I’m going to complain about it, then I might as well do something about it too…baby steps….

So here’s a poem I wrote a while ago while I was in a semi relationship. I say semi relationship because it wasn’t really a real relationship. We had already dated and broke up and we were just kinda hangin out to see if maybe we wanted to get back together. I think I was holding on to a memory of something I really liked, but could never get back. And once I realized it, I let go.

I’ll be there you say
So I wait
I keep waiting and I’m still waiting
But how long until I let go?
How long is too long?
How long till it just becomes sad?
I think I’ve hit that point
All I am now is sad
Maybe that’s what I’ve needed all along
Perhaps if I disappear,
My reappearance will be all that more special
Maybe if I’m gone,
You’ll need me, maybe you’ll miss me
Or maybe you won’t notice,
Maybe you’ve already moved on
So far on that I can’t even catch up.
Yeah, I think that’s it

I’m laughing now as I read this over because I feel mostly foolish for the little mistakes I made in that part of my life. I spent so much time trying to become someone else for someone else, when I should have just been me the whole time. If I can’t even be myself in a relationship then obviously I shouldn’t be in that relationship. Thinking back to that time makes my stomach turn. It’s embarrassing being in that place. Wanting so badly to become the person you want me to be…losing myself in the process…so I disappeared. And would you know it, he noticed…too little too late…

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