Wednesday, July 15, 2015

"i need another story, something to get off my chest"

Suit found out about my blog. I wasn’t necessarily hiding it from him, I just never mentioned it and expected to keep it that way. But by chance he needed to check his email on my computer and noticed I had an email address he’d never seen before. So of course, next came the questions: What is it for? Who do you give it to? Why were you hiding it? Why can’t I know about it? And on and on and on….

Now I’ve never lied to this man, and I’m not about to start now, so when he asked about “Sage” and who I’m talking to under that name, I told him about my blog. He wasn’t very pleased. I tried to explain what it is to me; to explain how it’s like an online diary. I told him I wasn’t hiding anything from him, that everything I write about is stories I’ve already told him first hand. I just add my own emotions and wishes, and comedy to it.

He still was quite unhappy with me.

I’ve been trying to wrap my head around why this bothered him so much, and why he couldn’t just accept that I have an online presence that he never knew about. And then I figured it out. It was because HE NEVER KNEW ABOUT IT. If I had told him I had a blog in which I write under a pseudonym, maybe he wouldn’t have been so bothered by it.

I told him I wasn’t going to show him the blog because I didn’t want him to read it. Not because I was hiding anything, but because I feel like I should have a private place (“private” because none of you know who I am) to share my thoughts and stories and laughter with myself. Keeping everything in my head is a good way for me to forget the fabulousness that is sometimes my life. And when I get older, I want to look back and remember exactly how I felt at whatever moment.

He doesn’t care that I have a blog, I don’t think he even cares what I write about, he’s just mad because he didn’t know about it. And I can understand that. I didn’t tell him about it because I didn’t want him to read it. Now I know he would have been fine not reading it, as long as he knew it existed.

So, now that he knows about it, I’m contemplating if I should show him the blog. Just a gesture of faith so he knows I really have a blog and not some online dating profile. This is me tryin to be nice. I’m not embarrassed by what I’ve written, nor have I written anything negative about him. And if I did, then he could have a moment to see how I see him, so that would really be a bonus to him. Decisions, decisions...

Let’s see how I feel tomorrow.

Friday, June 5, 2015

"now i'm passing the bar, like a lawyer"

This has been the LONGEST week ever. The first week of my summer legal internship in Atlanta has gone slower than my first week of law school.

The average first year legal intern most likely will be subject to a lot of filing of paperwork. I thank God that my internship is different. The attorney actually gives me real work to do. On my first day, he had me writing motions and client letters.

Really? You sure? You're just going to hand it to me, just like that? Oh, okay.... Good luck, Sage....

Well, at least he gave me copies of all the old letters and versions of motions they have written, so I had a makeshift template to work from. But, seriously, talk about just throwing you into the mix. No warning, just go, and do.

I haven't filed a single folder all week. And thank heavens for that. I'm very much okay with it, although, sometimes I do kind of wish I had a little filing to do. At least, then when the attorney doesn't give me an assignment, or when he is in court, I'll have back up work to keep me busy.

It tickles me every morning I come in and the attorney, or the paralegal I also work under asks me, "What are you working on?" Uh, you haven't given me an assignment, so what would I be working on? When I get those moments when I finish my assigned work and I wonder what I'm supposed to do next, I always feel bad asking what they would like me to do next. I don't want to keep going into their office fishing for more work to do, but I don't want to get caught sitting around doing nothing on my computer. Dilemmas, dilemmas. I just want work to keep finding its way to me.

But in general, the internship is going really well. I work on family law and personal injury cases, which are actually quite fascinating in real life (as opposed to in a textbook). People are a trip.

Hopefully as summer continues, it'll start to pick up the pace. Still waiting for the day I get to go to court. Soon come.

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

"i swear i had it up to here, i got no ceilings to go"

Summer time. Never fails to cheer me up. Two weeks into my summer vacation and 1 day into my new legal internship. Life isn't so bad.

I've been taking a lot of time to re-evaluate my life, as I tend to do from time to time. Apart from that tiny blow up of depression I displayed in my last post, I think I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life.

I'm moving forward in my career, actually doing something that might put millions in my pocket.  I'm moving forward in my love life, Suit is the most wonderful, amazing and loving man I know. And he makes life absolute BLISS. I'm moving forward with my fitness goals, getting in the best shape of my life.

I just feel like I'm finally accomplishing things. And I would hate for me to read this blog in the future and only remember the sadness I felt because a few friends made me feel some type of way.

So I've pulled myself out of the situation. I've doused the fire. I've taken a detour away from that road. I've moved on. In the words of Big Sean, "I don't fuck with you! I got a million trillion things I'd rather fucking do, than to be fucking with you."

My next post will be relevant.

Friday, May 1, 2015

"you never took the time to know me, because of you now I'm just a lonely man"

Hello again. I know its been a while, almost a year actually. I hate to start my fresh blogging days with a downer but I've been feeling some type of way and I remembered that blogging was the one thing that made me feel better when I was dangerously close to being depressing back in undergrad.

Well, blogging and food and Disney. But as a first-year law student (you remember that don't you?), I'm too broke to afford things like food, or TV.

Oh yes, I'm arriving at my final days as a first-year. This is finals week and I'm already off to a great start: Civil Procedure, Criminal law, Constitutional law, Property law, Contracts, and so much more. My head spins with how much work I still have left to do studying for these finals.

But of course "school" has never been my problem. "People" are my problem. And these damn emotions I can never seem to get a handle on whenever people let me down. I thought I had friends, but I don't think that's a true statement any longer. At least, not from where I'm standing. Let me start from the beginning.

As usual, I make 2 friends. They are good friends, close, we share a lot. It takes a while for me to get close to people, so once I make these 2 friends, I get comfortable because I feel as if I've found people who will really appreciate our friendship. I'm a very quiet person, as you all should know, until we become friends, then I'm not so quiet. But that's just me. It was me, Libra and Gemini, the three of us were perfect. A nice blend of personalities that would really hold strong for my 3 years in law school.

At least I thought so. We used to make plans TOGETHER. All three of us, together. We'd have study groups, visit new restaurants, get our nails done, watch movies, go grocery shopping, and pretty much everything else. But recently, instead of "let's go Wal-mart," or "let's study at Libra's house," its "we're going to the store, do you want to come?" or "I'm going to Libra's house," or "We're going to get our nails done." No more plans made together. And in my head I'm thinking, when did you guys make these plans and why wasn't I included. Why do I now have to be invited to attend? There's a wall of separation and I don't feel included in the group anymore. Its no longer an all inclusive "we're going," but a exclusive "We're going. Do you want to come?" Since when did I get kicked out of the "we're"? Then after a while, the invites stopped coming too.

I don't know if that even makes sense, but that is the way I feel. Like my friends just bonded to each other and no longer think of me as part of them. We aren't a group of three any more. Now its a group of two and then me. And I do not do well being excluded. I felt the exact same way in undergrad and I do NOT want to go through that again. It's been four years since I left undergrad back in CA. Now I'm in law school on the East Coast and I can't revert back to feeling how I felt then. I just can't, it's not fair.

I just want one friend who cares about me, who notices when I'm not being my usual self, who pushes until they figure out why something's changed, who cares if I'm not there, who doesn't ignore me, who doesn't pretend like I don't exist. I don't want to continue to feel awkward when all three of use hang out, because I'm beginning to feel like a 3rd wheel with them. My face keeps no secrets and I can't hide that I'm sad. And when I get sad, my face looks mad and then they think they should just ignore me until I get better. Well I'm not going to get better like that! That only makes it worse because I feel like they just don't care that I look pissed!

I don't want to spend the next 2 years trying to make them be my friends. So that means I'll have to spend it alone, or I make new friends. And since friends just don't seem to work out for me, I'll just stop trying. I'll just make acquaintances and law school colleagues, but I don't think I can make any more friends. It just hurts too much when they let you down, and I hate being depressed.

I just feel so alone.
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