"when you said goodbye, my whole world shines"

Hello lovelies. It's time for the annual blog reboot, where I post about 3 times and then disappear for another year. I hope you all missed me and were desperately awaiting my return. Well, wait no longer! I have returned. New, fresh, happy, and perhaps with a story or two under my sleeve...

Spring semester of my second year in law school has been spectacular. First semester was a new experience. I decided to branch out and take classes by myself. I didn't want to be tied to anyone for any reason. I've pretty much decided to fly solo from here on out. So I chose my schedule and relished in the "new-ness" of it all. Riding the bus alone, taking the train alone, walking to the schoolhouse alone. It was all... perfect. I actually enjoyed it. Completely. I don't know why I never did this before. But alas, all good things must come to an end.


But not this one! I did it again this semester. All classes by myself. I've made new acquaintances at school. You know what, let's call them what they are. Classmates. Now that I'm starting to focus my studies on the kind of law I want to practice, I'm beginning to see the same classmates in most of my classes. So I've met my new classmates and Ive begun to build relationships with them in the schoolhouse. I don't need to worry about them once I leave that building. They don't exist until I re-enter that building again the next day. I need all my relationships to be like that. Well, except for my super close ones. I still love my friends. They all know who they are and that will never change.

As for everybody else... Sigh, on to the next one.

Boston days have been quite lovely. This is quite the mild winter. I'm hoping the snows come soon. It snowed today, but I expect it to be gone by Sunday. It's nothing a little sun couldn't fix, and we've had plenty of sun these past couple days. Yes, I expect the bright and sunny glorious days will return. I'll sit here, lounging and enjoying my life. Because life is good.

"i need another story, something to get off my chest"

Suit found out about my blog. I wasn’t necessarily hiding it from him, I just never mentioned it and expected to keep it that way. But by chance he needed to check his email on my computer and noticed I had an email address he’d never seen before. So of course, next came the questions: What is it for? Who do you give it to? Why were you hiding it? Why can’t I know about it? And on and on and on….

Now I’ve never lied to this man, and I’m not about to start now, so when he asked about “Sage” and who I’m talking to under that name, I told him about my blog. He wasn’t very pleased. I tried to explain what it is to me; to explain how it’s like an online diary. I told him I wasn’t hiding anything from him, that everything I write about is stories I’ve already told him first hand. I just add my own emotions and wishes, and comedy to it.

He still was quite unhappy with me.

I’ve been trying to wrap my head around why this bothered him so much, and why he couldn’t just accept that I have an online presence that he never knew about. And then I figured it out. It was because HE NEVER KNEW ABOUT IT. If I had told him I had a blog in which I write under a pseudonym, maybe he wouldn’t have been so bothered by it.

I told him I wasn’t going to show him the blog because I didn’t want him to read it. Not because I was hiding anything, but because I feel like I should have a private place (“private” because none of you know who I am) to share my thoughts and stories and laughter with myself. Keeping everything in my head is a good way for me to forget the fabulousness that is sometimes my life. And when I get older, I want to look back and remember exactly how I felt at whatever moment.

He doesn’t care that I have a blog, I don’t think he even cares what I write about, he’s just mad because he didn’t know about it. And I can understand that. I didn’t tell him about it because I didn’t want him to read it. Now I know he would have been fine not reading it, as long as he knew it existed.

So, now that he knows about it, I’m contemplating if I should show him the blog. Just a gesture of faith so he knows I really have a blog and not some online dating profile. This is me tryin to be nice. I’m not embarrassed by what I’ve written, nor have I written anything negative about him. And if I did, then he could have a moment to see how I see him, so that would really be a bonus to him. Decisions, decisions...

Let’s see how I feel tomorrow.

"i swear i had it up to here, i got no ceilings to go"

Summer time. Never fails to cheer me up. Two weeks into my summer vacation and 1 day into my new legal internship. Life isn't so bad.

I've been taking a lot of time to re-evaluate my life, as I tend to do from time to time. Apart from that tiny blow up of depression I displayed in my last post, I think I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life.

I'm moving forward in my career, actually doing something that might put millions in my pocket.  I'm moving forward in my love life, Suit is the most wonderful, amazing and loving man I know. And he makes life absolute BLISS. I'm moving forward with my fitness goals, getting in the best shape of my life.

I just feel like I'm finally accomplishing things. And I would hate for me to read this blog in the future and only remember the sadness I felt because a few friends made me feel some type of way.

So I've pulled myself out of the situation. I've doused the fire. I've taken a detour away from that road. I've moved on. In the words of Big Sean, "I don't fuck with you! I got a million trillion things I'd rather fucking do, than to be fucking with you."

My next post will be relevant.

"you never took the time to know me, because of you now I'm just a lonely man"

Hello again. I know its been a while, almost a year actually. I hate to start my fresh blogging days with a downer but I've been feeling some type of way and I remembered that blogging was the one thing that made me feel better when I was dangerously close to being depressing back in undergrad.

Well, blogging and food and Disney. But as a first-year law student (you remember that don't you?), I'm too broke to afford things like food, or TV.

Oh yes, I'm arriving at my final days as a first-year. This is finals week and I'm already off to a great start: Civil Procedure, Criminal law, Constitutional law, Property law, Contracts, and so much more. My head spins with how much work I still have left to do studying for these finals.

But of course "school" has never been my problem. "People" are my problem. And these damn emotions I can never seem to get a handle on whenever people let me down. I thought I had friends, but I don't think that's a true statement any longer. At least, not from where I'm standing. Let me start from the beginning.

As usual, I make 2 friends. They are good friends, close, we share a lot. It takes a while for me to get close to people, so once I make these 2 friends, I get comfortable because I feel as if I've found people who will really appreciate our friendship. I'm a very quiet person, as you all should know, until we become friends, then I'm not so quiet. But that's just me. It was me, Libra and Gemini, the three of us were perfect. A nice blend of personalities that would really hold strong for my 3 years in law school.

At least I thought so. We used to make plans TOGETHER. All three of us, together. We'd have study groups, visit new restaurants, get our nails done, watch movies, go grocery shopping, and pretty much everything else. But recently, instead of "let's go Wal-mart," or "let's study at Libra's house," its "we're going to the store, do you want to come?" or "I'm going to Libra's house," or "We're going to get our nails done." No more plans made together. And in my head I'm thinking, when did you guys make these plans and why wasn't I included. Why do I now have to be invited to attend? There's a wall of separation and I don't feel included in the group anymore. Its no longer an all inclusive "we're going," but a exclusive "We're going. Do you want to come?" Since when did I get kicked out of the "we're"? Then after a while, the invites stopped coming too.

I don't know if that even makes sense, but that is the way I feel. Like my friends just bonded to each other and no longer think of me as part of them. We aren't a group of three any more. Now its a group of two and then me. And I do not do well being excluded. I felt the exact same way in undergrad and I do NOT want to go through that again. It's been four years since I left undergrad back in CA. Now I'm in law school on the East Coast and I can't revert back to feeling how I felt then. I just can't, it's not fair.

I just want one friend who cares about me, who notices when I'm not being my usual self, who pushes until they figure out why something's changed, who cares if I'm not there, who doesn't ignore me, who doesn't pretend like I don't exist. I don't want to continue to feel awkward when all three of use hang out, because I'm beginning to feel like a 3rd wheel with them. My face keeps no secrets and I can't hide that I'm sad. And when I get sad, my face looks mad and then they think they should just ignore me until I get better. Well I'm not going to get better like that! That only makes it worse because I feel like they just don't care that I look pissed!

I don't want to spend the next 2 years trying to make them be my friends. So that means I'll have to spend it alone, or I make new friends. And since friends just don't seem to work out for me, I'll just stop trying. I'll just make acquaintances and law school colleagues, but I don't think I can make any more friends. It just hurts too much when they let you down, and I hate being depressed.

I just feel so alone.

"shooting off a flare across the sky"

I'm looking forward to so many new things in my life. I can't even believe I'm where I am now. Couple years ago I was graduating from college ready to just take a break from school and work wherever I could get a job. Now I'm so tired of working and I really just want to go back to school.

Looks like I got my wish!

You are officially reading the blog of a law school student! Yay! Finally, after all these years, I have finished applications and have received decisions back from schools. By August, I should be enrolled in one of the many fine law schools in this country. I haven't decided which one yet, because I'm still waiting to hear back from a few schools. But once I make my decision, I will certainly let you guys know which new city I will call home. But for now, I can certainly say my days in Atlanta are numbered. Goodbye Georgia!

Law school. Sounds like so much work right? Honestly, I'm ready for it. Its going to an epic amount of studying, researching, reading, writing, and networking, but I cannot wait for this new chapter to begin. So many times I've spoken of being stuck and not knowing where to go from here. But I'm finding my direction. The destination was always there, I just couldn't quite find the road. So now that I've found it, I'm excited to start driving.

Law School. Wow.

"all this time i've been waiting, oh i cannot grieve anymore"

Holy crap! I have failed MISERABLY as a blogger. I don't even think I'm allowed to call myself a blogger any more. It seems one post every couple months is the best I can do in life. I just don't understand why I can't seem to be consistent with this shit. I swear one day I'm going to get it together. Really, I will. I promise....

"i've got a world of chances for you"

I took a chance and put in a job application with my high school back in California. I've been saying that I need to start looking for a new job for a while now, so I guess this is my start. I don't necessarily want to move back to CA, but I have absolutely no problem moving back either. I welcome leaving or staying. I think there are a lot of opportunities available to me here in Atlanta and back home in California. I just need that foot in the door with a new job to jumpstart me again.

I take a lot of time to come here and rant and rave about my irritations regarding my life, my job, my family, my friends, my loves, (or lack there of). And its those moments that really propel me to the next.  I couldn't move on and be happy with my life if I didn't first let go of everything that bothers me while I live it. Most of my anger is fleeting. Most of my annoyance is short lived. A lot of my emotions are reoccurring, but isn't everyone like that? Every once in a while you may see a really hateful, maybe even downright bitchy post of mine that will make you say, "Whoa! Wtf happened to her?!" But rest assured I'm fine. I probably got over whatever issue pissed me off the second I typed the last exclamation point in my post.

So with that being said, I can't wait to really see what new job grabs my attention next. I always love meeting new challenges. Speaking of which, I've gone back to the challenge of online dating. Yes, I know, I've done this before. But it was so fun (and I'm just bored enough) that I decided to try it again. Wish me luck!

"and stop crying your heart out"

So I had a mini explosion with my manager the other day.

I've been holding in my anger towards my work schedule for the last... well I guess the last year. We used to be able to service a client and then go home when there were no more clients.

But now, the new rule for stylists is that we must stay from 10 to 6 regardless of if there are clients are not. Mind you I ONLY get paid when I service a client. So if there are no clients, I get no money. (We don't take walk ins, so we know the day's schedule before it begins.) And now they want me to sit around in the salon when there are no clients? For what? I'm basically wasting gas money to sit and watch paint peel. No thank you.

But being the kind and gentle soul that I am, obviously, I held my irritation/anger in and said no problem. I'm just going to do my job and keep it moving. And keep it moving I did! Until yesterday.

My manager is a stylist and really has no other duties outside of being a stylist, except maybe payroll. Supposedly, we should all be following the same set of rules. But apparently she doesn't think she needs to show up when there are no clients. She feels its alright for her to leave after she services her last client. She has little "emergencies" every now and then that only seem to occur on days we have no clients. She has no issue coming late or leaving early whenever she feels like it. So of course I take major issue with this.

Yesterday I asked to leave work early because I had an appointment I needed to get to. There were no clients, it was really not a big deal. But for some unnecessary reason, she decided that I was "challenging her authority" and "disrespecting her." So of course I exploded and told her that every time I ask for time off I get denied. She gets to galavant around town, coming and going as she pleases, and then has the audacity to tell me that I'm challenging her authority by asking to leave early?

Sure, I may have phrased it as a statement instead of a question. Fine, I may have added a bit of sarcasm in there due to her disappearing acts. But honestly, what form of authority do you have? You think it's okay that I'm forced to sit around doing nothing and I don't even get paid by the hour, but you can go off and do whatever you like? No. It's not okay.

So, by this time, tears are streaming down my face. And that's when I realized, I get really emotional when I get in arguments. Especially when I've been holding crap in for the longest time. I was actually a little disappointed in myself for letting it get to me so.

I've been struggling with this job for so long I guess I just didn't realize everything would come out so strong. I'm really kinda mad at myself for crying like that because I feel like I may have come off not as strong as I would have liked to. In my head, in the moment, I felt like I was really expressing how angry I was. Thinking back on it and writing this post, I'm starting to wonder what I actually looked like. Standing there, crying about not being able to leave work early...

Hmm, may not have been my best moment.

Currently, we're not really talking to each other. Besides the usual 'good morning' and anything related to the job, we don't speak. I don't even look at her anymore. Everything about her irritates me. She's rude, she's self absorbed, she's power crazy, and she's extremely useless. Okay that last one may or may not be true. Personally, I think it's probably true. I could do her job way better than her. I'm serious. I've done it already. And I'm good at it.

Anyway, I need to learn how to not care about things, or at least not hold it inside for so long. That way I can have a rational, non emotional tear-free argument with these people about the kinks in their corporate system.

"if you could just write me out"

I came to work this morning expecting more of the same as the last 2 weeks. Absolutely nothing. The Salon has been extremely slow these past couple weeks and it's really starting to agitate me. I hate coming to work and making no money.

Seriously, what's the purpose of working if I'm not getting paid. This is something my bosses don't quite seem to understand yet. I think they have some sort of idea that they have done me a favor by giving me a job and I should be grateful just to get out of the house everyday and sit in their salon.

They are sadly mistaken.

I would much rather stay in my house than drive 30 minutes away to do nothing. There are so many art projects I'm missing out on because I don't have the time any more to lounge around and wrap baskets, or cut cardboard, or glue some other shit. Which was completely fine with me when I was making money. But now, I may just need to get my ass back on that job search grind and find a new job.

Oddly enough, I really don't want to do that because I actually like my job. And I'm almost 100% certain that I'm the only one at The Salon who can say that honestly. I love being a stylist. It's awesome. What is NOT awesome is all the backstage, behind the scenes, "corporate" drama that goes on. I could totally do without all of that. I understand now why people leave their jobs simply because their supervisors SUCK.

But other than all that, my life is wonderful! Sorry I haven't written in months, but I think I can say I'm back now and so totally committed to blogging. I have enough ammo to last my blogging mind for a few weeks worth of posts anyway. Thanks for not leaving me during my short "vacation"!

"don't charge me for the crime"

Monday I went to court to contest the 3 tickets I got after my accident last month. I thought I was just going to say, "Hey, I was not speeding." And the judge would say, "Overruled!" And then I would pay a fine, it would be over and I would never have to go to court again. But no, instead I get there and the judge says, "Can you afford a lawyer, or do you need one appointed to you?"

... Um, no thank you. I just want to pay my fine. So I said, "No, I don't want to go to trial." And the judge has the audacity to say, "That wasn't the question." Excuse me? Sir, you are very lucky this is my first time in a courtroom and I am extremely scared and nervous right now, otherwise I would have a lot more to say to you. So in my scared and nervous state, I ended up getting a public defender and I have a trial date set for September...

I don't understand what just happened. I mean I really just don't understand what just happened. First of all, why the hell am I going to court for some traffic tickets? Second, why the hell do I need a lawyer?? And third, what the hell just happened???

Is this normal procedure? Is this what happens when you get a traffic ticket? What am I supposed to do? Please someone just help me out because I am so confused right now. I just, I just... don't understand what's happening. Someone may just need to explain the entire justice system to me because something just doesn't make sense. Why can't I just pay my fine and go home?

In the meantime, I'm still looking for a car. And on the plus side, this accident has helped to rekindle my love interest with Sir. He keeps calling me to see how I'm doing, and you know I'm just a sucker for such caring attention. Probably because he feels the accident was his fault, but hey, I'll take it. I'll keep dreaming of him; maybe one day good things will happen for us. 

Meanwhile, I need to deal with this court nonsense.