"i need another story, something to get off my chest"

Suit found out about my blog. I wasn’t necessarily hiding it from him, I just never mentioned it and expected to keep it that way. But by chance he needed to check his email on my computer and noticed I had an email address he’d never seen before. So of course, next came the questions: What is it for? Who do you give it to? Why were you hiding it? Why can’t I know about it? And on and on and on….

Now I’ve never lied to this man, and I’m not about to start now, so when he asked about “Sage” and who I’m talking to under that name, I told him about my blog. He wasn’t very pleased. I tried to explain what it is to me; to explain how it’s like an online diary. I told him I wasn’t hiding anything from him, that everything I write about is stories I’ve already told him first hand. I just add my own emotions and wishes, and comedy to it.

He still was quite unhappy with me.

I’ve been trying to wrap my head around why this bothered him so much, and why he couldn’t just accept that I have an online presence that he never knew about. And then I figured it out. It was because HE NEVER KNEW ABOUT IT. If I had told him I had a blog in which I write under a pseudonym, maybe he wouldn’t have been so bothered by it.

I told him I wasn’t going to show him the blog because I didn’t want him to read it. Not because I was hiding anything, but because I feel like I should have a private place (“private” because none of you know who I am) to share my thoughts and stories and laughter with myself. Keeping everything in my head is a good way for me to forget the fabulousness that is sometimes my life. And when I get older, I want to look back and remember exactly how I felt at whatever moment.

He doesn’t care that I have a blog, I don’t think he even cares what I write about, he’s just mad because he didn’t know about it. And I can understand that. I didn’t tell him about it because I didn’t want him to read it. Now I know he would have been fine not reading it, as long as he knew it existed.

So, now that he knows about it, I’m contemplating if I should show him the blog. Just a gesture of faith so he knows I really have a blog and not some online dating profile. This is me tryin to be nice. I’m not embarrassed by what I’ve written, nor have I written anything negative about him. And if I did, then he could have a moment to see how I see him, so that would really be a bonus to him. Decisions, decisions...

Let’s see how I feel tomorrow.

"but i'm warm because i feel you around"

On March 2nd my relationship will officially reach the 6 month mark. It's an odd thing to reach for me, since most of my relationships usually end after one or two months. Or let's be honest, after the second date. I tire easily. Or I should say I know who I want and I can tell quickly its not you. So being with my boyfriend for 6 months now is actually quite amazing to me. I'm really excited about it!

I've decided to call him Suit because he is always impeccably dressed. From to head to toe, he always looks good and I'll be the first to say, we make a beautiful couple. Suit and I celebrated out first Valentine's day and it was very sweet. Dinner, flowers, candles, chocolate. Simple, sweet, and memorable. And since it was my first Valentine's with anybody, I was expecting greatness. He didn't disappoint.

He makes me feel. And I know that sounds strange but that's the honest truth. I don't usually have emotional attachments to the men I date. I know this because once they're gone, I don't think about them. At all. Like, not a single thought of them crosses my mind. Half the time, I forget their name. Which is actually probably for the best really. But with Suit, I miss him. I wake up thinking about him. I check my phone first thing in the morning to see if I missed a text from him during the night. I wonder about what he's doing and what he's thinking about. He's constantly on my mind and I doesn't drive me crazy. I like it, and I like that I like it! I like him.

So when March 2nd rolls around and we hit 6 months, I'm going to be the one bursting into song and behaving as if I'm in a Disney musical, because I'm just so damn happy!

"when you learn to love, ain't nothing but love"

There's a new guy in my life. And I feel like I'm screwed.

(For those who care, I ended up never meeting the last guy. Who saw that coming? Me.)

So new guy, I'll need to come up with a name for him. In the meantime New Guy will work. We met in church. He tricked me into a date. I say "tricked" even though I walked right into it knowing it probably was a set up. I was invited to a group movie night. Then one by one everyone started dropping out. I found out later that he asked everyone else not to come. I mean, if he went to all that trouble, the least I could do was show up right? Right! And so I went. We watched a movie, had dinner. The typical date, right? We've been hanging out pretty regularly since then. That was about a month ago.

So, why am I screwed? Well I guess apparently it's reached that point where he wants me to open up to him and tell him what I'm thinking, and blah blah blah. For me, this is usually where the relationship ends because, well, I just can't do that. Of course I told him as much and of course he says, "Well you're going to have to open up to someone eventually." And well maybe that is true, but who says it has to be???

Fine, this could just be me being stubborn, but honestly, I don't know what you want me to say. Anyway, this is my big dilemma and I'm sure at some point I'll figure it out. But it would really help if I could find a guy who could just learn me enough to read my mind. Is that too much to ask for? No really, is it?

"i guess it's half timing, and the other half's luck"

In a huff of disappointment, I deleted (made invisible) my online dating accounts. It was probably for the best. At least for now.

But I guess I forgot I had already given my number to one guy before I deleted my account. We've been talking, texting, skyping, general "get to know you" stuff for a wh
ile now. So far it's been lovely, I actually kinda like this guy. So what's the problem?

It's been over 2 months now and we still haven't met in person. Our work schedules seem to clash with one another. I work 9:00 to 6:00pm. He works 3:00 to 11:00pm. I have no intention of meeting this guy for the first time after midnight on any given day, so that's not an option. I'm not trying to be lured to my death! Yes, I am highly paranoid about such things. You never know who these online types really are. We both work weekends and have unpredictable days off. It's been quite the challenge trying to maneuver around these obstacles. But I figure if we really want to meet, we'll make it happen, right?

But if it's this hard to meet in the first place, won't it only be harder if we actually start dating? When would we have time to see each other? I'm working toward getting a morning off so we can have breakfast or an early lunch together. Then after the initial meeting, perhaps I'll feel a lot more comfortable meeting him after dark on any given day. If so, then I guess our relationship could be just fine. Am I getting ahead of myself? Maybe... yeah, let's just work on meeting first.

I guess this is one situation where you just see how it unfolds. I do so hope it works out, I would love to  actually see him and make sure we have chemistry in person as we do through the screen. It's very important you know.

"this is the start of something good, don't you agree?"

Dating has got to be the most ridiculous experience in life. Maybe ridiculous is the wrong word... irritating, perhaps. Yes, dating has got to be one of the most irritating experiences in life. Having dinner,  going to the movies, taking a walk in the park, etc with an almost, for all intents and purposes, complete stranger? Ugh, I'm so tired of it. And yet, I still do it...

Truthfully, I don't even know how to be a girlfriend. Not the slightest clue. And I already come with some serious defects to the relationship. Hate talking on the phone, love being a homebody. I'm quiet until you really get to know me. OR you have to meet in a group of friends because then I'm automatically comfortable.  

But right, this is about me not knowing how to be girlfriend. Yes, I guess I just missed that class in high school (or is it offered in middle school now?) where everyone learned how to be boyfriend/girlfriend and live a happy normal life. Yeah, I must have missed it. I was among the few kids who were "not allowed to date, until you're married!" Yes, I understand the irony. Nobody thought that rule out, I can assure you.

So I never really had a boyfriend until I got to college. My first (real) relationship wasn't exactly a failure, but I certainly wouldn't call it a success. Turns out my biggest issue is communication! Huh, who'd a thunk it??? Me, have communication issues? NEVER! But alas, it IS true. I'm actually a horrible communicator... at least in the real world.

Online you have time to think it out and make sure everything you say (write) comes out exactly the way you wish it. But in real life, saying certain things, talking about certain things just isn't quite as easy for me. My sisters always harass me about not being able to open up and say what I'm thinking. "Why do I always have to drag it out of you?" Or, "Why do you make me ask you so many questions? Just say what you want to say!" I guess I'm just not one to talk about myself.

Don't get me wrong. I can hold a conversation and talk about anything with anyone. And I love myself so obviously I have no qualms talking about myself. I just tend to shy away from talking about myself on a more personal level. My family, my work, my friends, easy subjects. My feelings, not so much.

Which brings me back to my relationships. Apparently, you need to be able to talk about yourself on a personal level with your boyfriend. And he actually might care if he realizes he doesn't know anything about how you feel. So how do I work on growing in that area? Dive into another relationship and get some practice? Talk to my sisters a little more, see if that works out? Have emotional, drawn out, thoughtful conversations with myself in the bathroom mirror? I don't know. I need help.

In the meantime, I'm still dating.