"when you said goodbye, my whole world shines"

Hello lovelies. It's time for the annual blog reboot, where I post about 3 times and then disappear for another year. I hope you all missed me and were desperately awaiting my return. Well, wait no longer! I have returned. New, fresh, happy, and perhaps with a story or two under my sleeve...

Spring semester of my second year in law school has been spectacular. First semester was a new experience. I decided to branch out and take classes by myself. I didn't want to be tied to anyone for any reason. I've pretty much decided to fly solo from here on out. So I chose my schedule and relished in the "new-ness" of it all. Riding the bus alone, taking the train alone, walking to the schoolhouse alone. It was all... perfect. I actually enjoyed it. Completely. I don't know why I never did this before. But alas, all good things must come to an end.


But not this one! I did it again this semester. All classes by myself. I've made new acquaintances at school. You know what, let's call them what they are. Classmates. Now that I'm starting to focus my studies on the kind of law I want to practice, I'm beginning to see the same classmates in most of my classes. So I've met my new classmates and Ive begun to build relationships with them in the schoolhouse. I don't need to worry about them once I leave that building. They don't exist until I re-enter that building again the next day. I need all my relationships to be like that. Well, except for my super close ones. I still love my friends. They all know who they are and that will never change.

As for everybody else... Sigh, on to the next one.

Boston days have been quite lovely. This is quite the mild winter. I'm hoping the snows come soon. It snowed today, but I expect it to be gone by Sunday. It's nothing a little sun couldn't fix, and we've had plenty of sun these past couple days. Yes, I expect the bright and sunny glorious days will return. I'll sit here, lounging and enjoying my life. Because life is good.

"i need another story, something to get off my chest"

Suit found out about my blog. I wasn’t necessarily hiding it from him, I just never mentioned it and expected to keep it that way. But by chance he needed to check his email on my computer and noticed I had an email address he’d never seen before. So of course, next came the questions: What is it for? Who do you give it to? Why were you hiding it? Why can’t I know about it? And on and on and on….

Now I’ve never lied to this man, and I’m not about to start now, so when he asked about “Sage” and who I’m talking to under that name, I told him about my blog. He wasn’t very pleased. I tried to explain what it is to me; to explain how it’s like an online diary. I told him I wasn’t hiding anything from him, that everything I write about is stories I’ve already told him first hand. I just add my own emotions and wishes, and comedy to it.

He still was quite unhappy with me.

I’ve been trying to wrap my head around why this bothered him so much, and why he couldn’t just accept that I have an online presence that he never knew about. And then I figured it out. It was because HE NEVER KNEW ABOUT IT. If I had told him I had a blog in which I write under a pseudonym, maybe he wouldn’t have been so bothered by it.

I told him I wasn’t going to show him the blog because I didn’t want him to read it. Not because I was hiding anything, but because I feel like I should have a private place (“private” because none of you know who I am) to share my thoughts and stories and laughter with myself. Keeping everything in my head is a good way for me to forget the fabulousness that is sometimes my life. And when I get older, I want to look back and remember exactly how I felt at whatever moment.

He doesn’t care that I have a blog, I don’t think he even cares what I write about, he’s just mad because he didn’t know about it. And I can understand that. I didn’t tell him about it because I didn’t want him to read it. Now I know he would have been fine not reading it, as long as he knew it existed.

So, now that he knows about it, I’m contemplating if I should show him the blog. Just a gesture of faith so he knows I really have a blog and not some online dating profile. This is me tryin to be nice. I’m not embarrassed by what I’ve written, nor have I written anything negative about him. And if I did, then he could have a moment to see how I see him, so that would really be a bonus to him. Decisions, decisions...

Let’s see how I feel tomorrow.

"now i'm passing the bar, like a lawyer"

This has been the LONGEST week ever. The first week of my summer legal internship in Atlanta has gone slower than my first week of law school.

The average first year legal intern most likely will be subject to a lot of filing of paperwork. I thank God that my internship is different. The attorney actually gives me real work to do. On my first day, he had me writing motions and client letters.

Really? You sure? You're just going to hand it to me, just like that? Oh, okay.... Good luck, Sage....

Well, at least he gave me copies of all the old letters and versions of motions they have written, so I had a makeshift template to work from. But, seriously, talk about just throwing you into the mix. No warning, just go, and do.

I haven't filed a single folder all week. And thank heavens for that. I'm very much okay with it, although, sometimes I do kind of wish I had a little filing to do. At least, then when the attorney doesn't give me an assignment, or when he is in court, I'll have back up work to keep me busy.

It tickles me every morning I come in and the attorney, or the paralegal I also work under asks me, "What are you working on?" Uh, you haven't given me an assignment, so what would I be working on? When I get those moments when I finish my assigned work and I wonder what I'm supposed to do next, I always feel bad asking what they would like me to do next. I don't want to keep going into their office fishing for more work to do, but I don't want to get caught sitting around doing nothing on my computer. Dilemmas, dilemmas. I just want work to keep finding its way to me.

But in general, the internship is going really well. I work on family law and personal injury cases, which are actually quite fascinating in real life (as opposed to in a textbook). People are a trip.

Hopefully as summer continues, it'll start to pick up the pace. Still waiting for the day I get to go to court. Soon come.

"i swear i had it up to here, i got no ceilings to go"

Summer time. Never fails to cheer me up. Two weeks into my summer vacation and 1 day into my new legal internship. Life isn't so bad.

I've been taking a lot of time to re-evaluate my life, as I tend to do from time to time. Apart from that tiny blow up of depression I displayed in my last post, I think I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life.

I'm moving forward in my career, actually doing something that might put millions in my pocket.  I'm moving forward in my love life, Suit is the most wonderful, amazing and loving man I know. And he makes life absolute BLISS. I'm moving forward with my fitness goals, getting in the best shape of my life.

I just feel like I'm finally accomplishing things. And I would hate for me to read this blog in the future and only remember the sadness I felt because a few friends made me feel some type of way.

So I've pulled myself out of the situation. I've doused the fire. I've taken a detour away from that road. I've moved on. In the words of Big Sean, "I don't fuck with you! I got a million trillion things I'd rather fucking do, than to be fucking with you."

My next post will be relevant.

"you never took the time to know me, because of you now I'm just a lonely man"

Hello again. I know its been a while, almost a year actually. I hate to start my fresh blogging days with a downer but I've been feeling some type of way and I remembered that blogging was the one thing that made me feel better when I was dangerously close to being depressing back in undergrad.

Well, blogging and food and Disney. But as a first-year law student (you remember that don't you?), I'm too broke to afford things like food, or TV.

Oh yes, I'm arriving at my final days as a first-year. This is finals week and I'm already off to a great start: Civil Procedure, Criminal law, Constitutional law, Property law, Contracts, and so much more. My head spins with how much work I still have left to do studying for these finals.

But of course "school" has never been my problem. "People" are my problem. And these damn emotions I can never seem to get a handle on whenever people let me down. I thought I had friends, but I don't think that's a true statement any longer. At least, not from where I'm standing. Let me start from the beginning.

As usual, I make 2 friends. They are good friends, close, we share a lot. It takes a while for me to get close to people, so once I make these 2 friends, I get comfortable because I feel as if I've found people who will really appreciate our friendship. I'm a very quiet person, as you all should know, until we become friends, then I'm not so quiet. But that's just me. It was me, Libra and Gemini, the three of us were perfect. A nice blend of personalities that would really hold strong for my 3 years in law school.

At least I thought so. We used to make plans TOGETHER. All three of us, together. We'd have study groups, visit new restaurants, get our nails done, watch movies, go grocery shopping, and pretty much everything else. But recently, instead of "let's go Wal-mart," or "let's study at Libra's house," its "we're going to the store, do you want to come?" or "I'm going to Libra's house," or "We're going to get our nails done." No more plans made together. And in my head I'm thinking, when did you guys make these plans and why wasn't I included. Why do I now have to be invited to attend? There's a wall of separation and I don't feel included in the group anymore. Its no longer an all inclusive "we're going," but a exclusive "We're going. Do you want to come?" Since when did I get kicked out of the "we're"? Then after a while, the invites stopped coming too.

I don't know if that even makes sense, but that is the way I feel. Like my friends just bonded to each other and no longer think of me as part of them. We aren't a group of three any more. Now its a group of two and then me. And I do not do well being excluded. I felt the exact same way in undergrad and I do NOT want to go through that again. It's been four years since I left undergrad back in CA. Now I'm in law school on the East Coast and I can't revert back to feeling how I felt then. I just can't, it's not fair.

I just want one friend who cares about me, who notices when I'm not being my usual self, who pushes until they figure out why something's changed, who cares if I'm not there, who doesn't ignore me, who doesn't pretend like I don't exist. I don't want to continue to feel awkward when all three of use hang out, because I'm beginning to feel like a 3rd wheel with them. My face keeps no secrets and I can't hide that I'm sad. And when I get sad, my face looks mad and then they think they should just ignore me until I get better. Well I'm not going to get better like that! That only makes it worse because I feel like they just don't care that I look pissed!

I don't want to spend the next 2 years trying to make them be my friends. So that means I'll have to spend it alone, or I make new friends. And since friends just don't seem to work out for me, I'll just stop trying. I'll just make acquaintances and law school colleagues, but I don't think I can make any more friends. It just hurts too much when they let you down, and I hate being depressed.

I just feel so alone.

"do you want to build a snowman?"

I just thought this was pretty cool. I almost want to see these girls actually play these roles. I only recognize a few of these ladies though. Perhaps you guys can help me fill in the rest of them.

I see Rihanna, Beyonce, Shay Mitchell, Shailene Woodley, Jennifer Lopez, and Kristen Stewart. Who do you see?

"and all that jazz"

I am obsessed with New Orleans.  I've never been in such a party city in my life. Of course there's Vegas, but you can't get such rich history in Vegas. You can't get amazingly fresh seafood cooked cajun or creole style. You can't walk up and down an entire neighborhood and party in every corner.

No, Vegas doesn't compare to New Orleans. (Although I love Vegas too, but that's another story). This is about New Orleans, and how I cannot wait to go back.


So I spent my 25th birthday in New Orleans! Happy birthday to me! I've started a new tradition of visiting a new city every year for my birthday. I can't tell you how much I enjoyed this city. Such a beautiful place. My hotel was located right next to where all the action was. No need for a car, I walked everywhere I went.

All day, all I did was eat and drink. From morning to evening. New Orleans is a very laid back city. The culture is one that embraces such a lifestyle. You literally just hang out, get something to eat and have a drink. My kind of city.

Now that I've been to New Orleans though, I know I could never live there. There's just too many temptations for me and I don't want the novelty to wear off. So unfortunately that cancels Tulane University as a potential law school for me to attend this fall. Ah well!


I'll definitely be going back. Until then, I'm looking for the next party city that I need to visit. I actually have an entire list of party cities all over the world that are a must for me to visit.

So I can cross New Orleans off that list. On to the next one!

"shooting off a flare across the sky"

I'm looking forward to so many new things in my life. I can't even believe I'm where I am now. Couple years ago I was graduating from college ready to just take a break from school and work wherever I could get a job. Now I'm so tired of working and I really just want to go back to school.

Looks like I got my wish!

You are officially reading the blog of a law school student! Yay! Finally, after all these years, I have finished applications and have received decisions back from schools. By August, I should be enrolled in one of the many fine law schools in this country. I haven't decided which one yet, because I'm still waiting to hear back from a few schools. But once I make my decision, I will certainly let you guys know which new city I will call home. But for now, I can certainly say my days in Atlanta are numbered. Goodbye Georgia!

Law school. Sounds like so much work right? Honestly, I'm ready for it. Its going to an epic amount of studying, researching, reading, writing, and networking, but I cannot wait for this new chapter to begin. So many times I've spoken of being stuck and not knowing where to go from here. But I'm finding my direction. The destination was always there, I just couldn't quite find the road. So now that I've found it, I'm excited to start driving.

Law School. Wow.

"but i'm warm because i feel you around"

On March 2nd my relationship will officially reach the 6 month mark. It's an odd thing to reach for me, since most of my relationships usually end after one or two months. Or let's be honest, after the second date. I tire easily. Or I should say I know who I want and I can tell quickly its not you. So being with my boyfriend for 6 months now is actually quite amazing to me. I'm really excited about it!

I've decided to call him Suit because he is always impeccably dressed. From to head to toe, he always looks good and I'll be the first to say, we make a beautiful couple. Suit and I celebrated out first Valentine's day and it was very sweet. Dinner, flowers, candles, chocolate. Simple, sweet, and memorable. And since it was my first Valentine's with anybody, I was expecting greatness. He didn't disappoint.

He makes me feel. And I know that sounds strange but that's the honest truth. I don't usually have emotional attachments to the men I date. I know this because once they're gone, I don't think about them. At all. Like, not a single thought of them crosses my mind. Half the time, I forget their name. Which is actually probably for the best really. But with Suit, I miss him. I wake up thinking about him. I check my phone first thing in the morning to see if I missed a text from him during the night. I wonder about what he's doing and what he's thinking about. He's constantly on my mind and I doesn't drive me crazy. I like it, and I like that I like it! I like him.

So when March 2nd rolls around and we hit 6 months, I'm going to be the one bursting into song and behaving as if I'm in a Disney musical, because I'm just so damn happy!

"keep away from the freaks on the fringe"

I was taking a leisure scroll through Instagram (as I tend to do when I'm pretending to work on very important law school applications due in the very near future) and I came across an interesting shot from my dear friend Emily Osment.

Perhaps you know her as Lily (the best friend) from Hannah Montana. Well color me excited when I found out that she was going to be coming out with a new show soon. Cleaners. And she plays a hit woman. That's a nice change from Disney Channel darling. 

Of course, you should know I have a very strong love when it comes to my Disney friends, so you know I had to investigate this show. I was surprised to learn that the show was already out and was a quite a few episodes into the storyline. About to start season two, in fact. I guess I'm not doing such a good job of keeping tabs on my Disney friends.  Nevertheless, I watched the first episode without knowing anything about the show. Nothing.

Oh come on, you know I loved it. Honestly, it wasn't bad. It was very Quentin Tarantino in terms of style. And I love a good Tarantino film. Basically the show is about two highly trained female contract killers, one of them being Emily. Of course it was a far cry from Disney, but still managed to not be another of those "Oh great, she's trying to shake her 'Disney' image" shows. I applaud her, and I look forward to watching another episode soon. Perhaps after I finish up with these very important law school applications due in the very near future…...

"i'll say a thousand words or more"

Happy New Year! I hope everyone had a wonderful transition into the new year. I certainly did. Nothing too special, I went to the crossover service at my church, then went to a friend's house for some dancing. It wasn't exactly a grand rocking new year's eve, but I enjoyed myself.

Of course it's a new year and its pretty much obligatory for everyone to come up with some "new year new me" goal and such. So who am I to deny myself such a tradition? I do, however, have a track record of failing at every and all new year resolutions I make, so, I will make this as easy on myself as possible. This year I only have one resolution:

I will write at least one blog post a month.

There! Simple, easy, direct. Nothing too difficult about that, right? I think I should be able to manage that. I just really want to get back into blogging regularly this year. I love having a record of my experiences and how I felt about them. I don't want an entire year to go by and I have no idea what I even did. This blog is pretty much a roadmap of my life. It showcases everything I've done (or at least the important parts that I feel like sharing) and reminds me what more I have to look forward to.

So that's my plan. Be a better writer. Be a more consistent writer. Be a true blogger. Wish me luck!

Happy New Year everyone!

"when you learn to love, ain't nothing but love"

There's a new guy in my life. And I feel like I'm screwed.

(For those who care, I ended up never meeting the last guy. Who saw that coming? Me.)

So new guy, I'll need to come up with a name for him. In the meantime New Guy will work. We met in church. He tricked me into a date. I say "tricked" even though I walked right into it knowing it probably was a set up. I was invited to a group movie night. Then one by one everyone started dropping out. I found out later that he asked everyone else not to come. I mean, if he went to all that trouble, the least I could do was show up right? Right! And so I went. We watched a movie, had dinner. The typical date, right? We've been hanging out pretty regularly since then. That was about a month ago.

So, why am I screwed? Well I guess apparently it's reached that point where he wants me to open up to him and tell him what I'm thinking, and blah blah blah. For me, this is usually where the relationship ends because, well, I just can't do that. Of course I told him as much and of course he says, "Well you're going to have to open up to someone eventually." And well maybe that is true, but who says it has to be???

Fine, this could just be me being stubborn, but honestly, I don't know what you want me to say. Anyway, this is my big dilemma and I'm sure at some point I'll figure it out. But it would really help if I could find a guy who could just learn me enough to read my mind. Is that too much to ask for? No really, is it?

"i guess it's half timing, and the other half's luck"

In a huff of disappointment, I deleted (made invisible) my online dating accounts. It was probably for the best. At least for now.

But I guess I forgot I had already given my number to one guy before I deleted my account. We've been talking, texting, skyping, general "get to know you" stuff for a wh
ile now. So far it's been lovely, I actually kinda like this guy. So what's the problem?

It's been over 2 months now and we still haven't met in person. Our work schedules seem to clash with one another. I work 9:00 to 6:00pm. He works 3:00 to 11:00pm. I have no intention of meeting this guy for the first time after midnight on any given day, so that's not an option. I'm not trying to be lured to my death! Yes, I am highly paranoid about such things. You never know who these online types really are. We both work weekends and have unpredictable days off. It's been quite the challenge trying to maneuver around these obstacles. But I figure if we really want to meet, we'll make it happen, right?

But if it's this hard to meet in the first place, won't it only be harder if we actually start dating? When would we have time to see each other? I'm working toward getting a morning off so we can have breakfast or an early lunch together. Then after the initial meeting, perhaps I'll feel a lot more comfortable meeting him after dark on any given day. If so, then I guess our relationship could be just fine. Am I getting ahead of myself? Maybe... yeah, let's just work on meeting first.

I guess this is one situation where you just see how it unfolds. I do so hope it works out, I would love to  actually see him and make sure we have chemistry in person as we do through the screen. It's very important you know.

"this is the start of something good, don't you agree?"

Dating has got to be the most ridiculous experience in life. Maybe ridiculous is the wrong word... irritating, perhaps. Yes, dating has got to be one of the most irritating experiences in life. Having dinner,  going to the movies, taking a walk in the park, etc with an almost, for all intents and purposes, complete stranger? Ugh, I'm so tired of it. And yet, I still do it...

Truthfully, I don't even know how to be a girlfriend. Not the slightest clue. And I already come with some serious defects to the relationship. Hate talking on the phone, love being a homebody. I'm quiet until you really get to know me. OR you have to meet in a group of friends because then I'm automatically comfortable.  

But right, this is about me not knowing how to be girlfriend. Yes, I guess I just missed that class in high school (or is it offered in middle school now?) where everyone learned how to be boyfriend/girlfriend and live a happy normal life. Yeah, I must have missed it. I was among the few kids who were "not allowed to date, until you're married!" Yes, I understand the irony. Nobody thought that rule out, I can assure you.

So I never really had a boyfriend until I got to college. My first (real) relationship wasn't exactly a failure, but I certainly wouldn't call it a success. Turns out my biggest issue is communication! Huh, who'd a thunk it??? Me, have communication issues? NEVER! But alas, it IS true. I'm actually a horrible communicator... at least in the real world.

Online you have time to think it out and make sure everything you say (write) comes out exactly the way you wish it. But in real life, saying certain things, talking about certain things just isn't quite as easy for me. My sisters always harass me about not being able to open up and say what I'm thinking. "Why do I always have to drag it out of you?" Or, "Why do you make me ask you so many questions? Just say what you want to say!" I guess I'm just not one to talk about myself.

Don't get me wrong. I can hold a conversation and talk about anything with anyone. And I love myself so obviously I have no qualms talking about myself. I just tend to shy away from talking about myself on a more personal level. My family, my work, my friends, easy subjects. My feelings, not so much.

Which brings me back to my relationships. Apparently, you need to be able to talk about yourself on a personal level with your boyfriend. And he actually might care if he realizes he doesn't know anything about how you feel. So how do I work on growing in that area? Dive into another relationship and get some practice? Talk to my sisters a little more, see if that works out? Have emotional, drawn out, thoughtful conversations with myself in the bathroom mirror? I don't know. I need help.

In the meantime, I'm still dating.

"all this time i've been waiting, oh i cannot grieve anymore"

Holy crap! I have failed MISERABLY as a blogger. I don't even think I'm allowed to call myself a blogger any more. It seems one post every couple months is the best I can do in life. I just don't understand why I can't seem to be consistent with this shit. I swear one day I'm going to get it together. Really, I will. I promise....

"we stole our new lives, thru blood and pain"

After the hustle and bustle of the holidays, my house has finally returned to its original setting: silence. For the last 3 weeks I've had the excitement of my 2 older sisters visiting from California, my 2 younger brothers returning from college, and my father in from Nigeria. It's been a full house. But alas, that time has now ended, and it's just my mother and I again. I guess I should get back to reality and depart from my vacation dream world. Ugh.

I'm going to work tomorrow. And for the first time in a really long time, I'm not dreading the morning. I'm looking forward to it. With my January Resolutions in "go mode," I've felt really productive these last couple of days. I think I can keep it up till the end of January.

"find light in the beautiful sea, i choose to be happy"

Well hello there New Year!

Usually I am mighty excited about new years and I could go on and on about some fresh start and getting my life together and going after what I want and being a new person and all my goals and blah blah blah. But this year I've had an epiphany. Yes everyone, I have realized something very important and vital about new years: they lie.

A new year promises to be filled with unexplored adventures, undiscovered dreams and unrealized potential. But by February I can't even remember what my New Years Resolutions were. All that joyous expectation I had for the year eventually dies out about 4 weeks in and then what am I supposed to do with the other 48 weeks in the year?

So this year I've decided to do something different. I've made no new years resolutions, instead I made a January Resolution. I've simply crafted a list of things I would like to accomplish in January. By reducing my "year" down to a month, I can make sure every month of the year I am accomplishing my goals.

So without further ado, here are my January Resolutions:

January Resolutions
1. Pick and read one inspirational book
2. Work out every morning
3. Write a blog post twice a week
4. Apply to 4 jobs a week
5. Save up $1000 in a "rainy day" account

I figure that's simple enough to start out with, right?

On another note, unfortunately I did not get the job I applied to at my old high school. After a rigorous interviewing process, they chose someone else. So I guess I'll be living in good old Atlanta for a little bit longer... No worries, I can handle that. I know good things are coming soon for me.

But I hope everyone had a wonderful New Years partying, drinking, and bonding with family and friends. I sure did!

"what it meant to me will eventually be a memory"

I was given an assignment last night. I am to write a blog post about my high school. Something engaging that will make everyone want to read what I have to write. So I thought to myself, "Self, what are you going to write about?" Of course nothing came to me, so I figured I could come here and actually write a real blog post and perhaps that would inspire me to come up with some witty, wonderful school appropriate blog post to send in.

And what do you know, it worked! Now I'm currently in the process of writing two blog posts. I certainly hope I can create a unique enough voice that makes me stand out as candidate for this job, and still uniform enough to work for a school blog. I would just die if I got this job! A happy, healthy, wonderful death! After which, of course, I would be revived so I could actually do the job.

I guess you probably would like to know what the job is, right? Well, I'm applying for a Social Media Manager position. If you're thinking, "Sage, that's perfect for you! You already want to go into marketing and what better way than to market online. Plus you're such a fabulous blogger, it would be super easy to translate that into this job," then you are absolutely correct! I'm hoping my blogging skills and life long usage of social media will be my ticket back to Cali.

Seriously guys, I really want this. And I've really wanted a lot of things in my life, but I just want this one more. I hope I don't end up really disappointed. I know I'll be fine either way. Don't get my hopes too high now.

"i've got a world of chances for you"

I took a chance and put in a job application with my high school back in California. I've been saying that I need to start looking for a new job for a while now, so I guess this is my start. I don't necessarily want to move back to CA, but I have absolutely no problem moving back either. I welcome leaving or staying. I think there are a lot of opportunities available to me here in Atlanta and back home in California. I just need that foot in the door with a new job to jumpstart me again.

I take a lot of time to come here and rant and rave about my irritations regarding my life, my job, my family, my friends, my loves, (or lack there of). And its those moments that really propel me to the next.  I couldn't move on and be happy with my life if I didn't first let go of everything that bothers me while I live it. Most of my anger is fleeting. Most of my annoyance is short lived. A lot of my emotions are reoccurring, but isn't everyone like that? Every once in a while you may see a really hateful, maybe even downright bitchy post of mine that will make you say, "Whoa! Wtf happened to her?!" But rest assured I'm fine. I probably got over whatever issue pissed me off the second I typed the last exclamation point in my post.

So with that being said, I can't wait to really see what new job grabs my attention next. I always love meeting new challenges. Speaking of which, I've gone back to the challenge of online dating. Yes, I know, I've done this before. But it was so fun (and I'm just bored enough) that I decided to try it again. Wish me luck!

"and stop crying your heart out"

So I had a mini explosion with my manager the other day.

I've been holding in my anger towards my work schedule for the last... well I guess the last year. We used to be able to service a client and then go home when there were no more clients.

But now, the new rule for stylists is that we must stay from 10 to 6 regardless of if there are clients are not. Mind you I ONLY get paid when I service a client. So if there are no clients, I get no money. (We don't take walk ins, so we know the day's schedule before it begins.) And now they want me to sit around in the salon when there are no clients? For what? I'm basically wasting gas money to sit and watch paint peel. No thank you.

But being the kind and gentle soul that I am, obviously, I held my irritation/anger in and said no problem. I'm just going to do my job and keep it moving. And keep it moving I did! Until yesterday.

My manager is a stylist and really has no other duties outside of being a stylist, except maybe payroll. Supposedly, we should all be following the same set of rules. But apparently she doesn't think she needs to show up when there are no clients. She feels its alright for her to leave after she services her last client. She has little "emergencies" every now and then that only seem to occur on days we have no clients. She has no issue coming late or leaving early whenever she feels like it. So of course I take major issue with this.

Yesterday I asked to leave work early because I had an appointment I needed to get to. There were no clients, it was really not a big deal. But for some unnecessary reason, she decided that I was "challenging her authority" and "disrespecting her." So of course I exploded and told her that every time I ask for time off I get denied. She gets to galavant around town, coming and going as she pleases, and then has the audacity to tell me that I'm challenging her authority by asking to leave early?

Sure, I may have phrased it as a statement instead of a question. Fine, I may have added a bit of sarcasm in there due to her disappearing acts. But honestly, what form of authority do you have? You think it's okay that I'm forced to sit around doing nothing and I don't even get paid by the hour, but you can go off and do whatever you like? No. It's not okay.

So, by this time, tears are streaming down my face. And that's when I realized, I get really emotional when I get in arguments. Especially when I've been holding crap in for the longest time. I was actually a little disappointed in myself for letting it get to me so.

I've been struggling with this job for so long I guess I just didn't realize everything would come out so strong. I'm really kinda mad at myself for crying like that because I feel like I may have come off not as strong as I would have liked to. In my head, in the moment, I felt like I was really expressing how angry I was. Thinking back on it and writing this post, I'm starting to wonder what I actually looked like. Standing there, crying about not being able to leave work early...

Hmm, may not have been my best moment.

Currently, we're not really talking to each other. Besides the usual 'good morning' and anything related to the job, we don't speak. I don't even look at her anymore. Everything about her irritates me. She's rude, she's self absorbed, she's power crazy, and she's extremely useless. Okay that last one may or may not be true. Personally, I think it's probably true. I could do her job way better than her. I'm serious. I've done it already. And I'm good at it.

Anyway, I need to learn how to not care about things, or at least not hold it inside for so long. That way I can have a rational, non emotional tear-free argument with these people about the kinks in their corporate system.